Today when I saw Dr. Baltz, I asked him how long he thought the treatment would be. I had not asked him before because I was focused on starting chemo, not when it would end. 2 YEARS! Yep, I will be undergoing chemo for 2 years. That stunned me; I truly was not prepared to hear that. Please don't get me wrong. I am very grateful that there is a treatment, and that the treatment has progressed to the point that I can wear it home for 48 hours and get a slow infusion. It is not about a lack of gratitude, hope, realistic optimism, or anything like that. It simply was being caught off guard and realizing that HOLY SMOKES my life is going to be dictated by cancer for 2 years!
After I saw Dr. Baltz, I went to Panera Bread for a blueberry bagel, which they did not have. I am developing a love-hate relationship with Panera.
As I ate my plain bagel, I drove to CHI Little Rock for my first Avastin treatment. This is when there was a problem with my port. They could not get a blood return. They tried all of their "tricks" but got nothing. They called Dr. Baltz who recommended Activase in case there was a small clot in the port blocking the blood return. Got the Activase, waited 15 minutes, no blood return. They were talking about the possibility of a port study to see if the port was failing. Yes, after one month. I did not like the sound of that. That's when I got on Facebook and called upon you prayer warriors. I knew God was in control and whatever happened would be according to His plan, but I really did want my port to start working. They checked an hour after the Activase and got a really good blood return. Thank you for the intercessory prayers! So the 2 hours? Because of all of this, I was 2-3 hours later getting the Avastin than I could have been, which put me in the infusion center all day again. This time I had a book and ear buds.
I am tolerating chemo pretty well. I am a little concerned about the inside of my mouth. Oral mucositis is a possible side effect. I can't tell if I am feeling increased sensitivity in my mouth or if I have just "normal" dry mouth with some chapped lips. If it persists, I will call and may get some of that "magic mouthwash" I've heard so much about.
The day did end on a great note. I went to AHDC to get some work done. My good friend, Gary Merritt, surprised me by meeting me for dinner. We went to the Lower Dam, sat on a swing overlooking the river, and had a great conversation. One of the biggest blessings about having cancer is all of you who, like Gary, have reached out to me with your support, encouragement, and love. You all love BIG!!! I also want to thank those of you who encourage me to be real, no matter how messy it may look at the time. Rest assured, it's situational when it happens. It is not the who I am, it's the what I'm feeling at the moment. God made me a realistic optimist, and He is the reason for the hope that is in me.
Remember the chorus of "Truth Be Told":
I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"
But I'm not, I'm broken
And when it's out of control, I say, "It's under control" but it's not
And You know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin You don't already know
So let the truth be told
Go out and be real, raw, and honest with where you are and what God is doing. THAT is what gives Him the glory He deserves. He is not glorified in our self-righteousness; He is glorified when His righteousness heals our brokenness, and we let the truth be told.
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