Attack and Defend

The enemy does attack. I have been on the receiving end of this since returning from the mission trip to the Amazon River with Geyer Springs. The enemy knows he cannot have the soul of a child of God, but he certainly can wreak havoc in their lives. Being a believer means that I am free from the penalty of sin because of the sacrifice of Christ. However, I still am subject to the presence and power of sin, and boy has this been true in my life lately! I have been tested and tempted, and I have blown both.

One thing I also know about the enemy is that he takes full advantage of people in a weakened state for whatever reason. He certainly has done this with me, and the effect chemo has had on me, especially chemo brain. That is a very real thing! Couple that with sleep deprivation, and my brain has been mush. The enemy certainly has used that to his advantage. Times I've known I should pray, and I don't just because I can't think straight. Then I make a decision that I regret, whether it be an action or a reaction. A friend of mine called it "decision fatigue" and I so agree with that.

My joy just hasn't been there like it was. I know a big part of that is fatigue, but then again, how does this brain of mine interpret that? "Julie, you have drifted away from God. You aren't pursuing your relationship with Him like you were. This is your fault." Oh my stars, seriously?! Since when did I become the travel agent for guilt trips?! Even though a lot of that is true--I have not been spending as much time in personal Bible study as I was before the trip, for example--I truly am so very physically, mentally, and emotionally tired. And I am sure that translates to being spiritually weary as well. My frustration tolerance has been low, and my being quickly irritable has been high. As I had mentioned before, some of my dearest friends were walking on eggshells around me. So, I did what every guilt-ridden person would do--I decided to socially isolate myself so I wouldn't drag others down. And that is exactly what the enemy wanted. I was more alone, and who does he attack? The fringe of the herd, the weak, the alone. Hello!!! Fringe here! That was exactly me, and that is what exactly happened. He took advantage of my weakened and isolated state. He whispered lies because he is the father of lies. "...When he (satan) lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies" John 8:44b. I started to believe them.

But God.

The Good Shepherd left the 99 and came searching for me. I am the embodiment of "Your Goodness is running after, is running after me." He spoke to me through His Spirit. He spoke to me through friends. He spoke to me through music. He spoke to me through the Bible. He spoke to me through every means available. And I listened. I did not have some big epiphany or earth-shattering experience. It was the still, small voice reminding me that I am a child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. The enemy is nothing. "This is truth, my child. You are loved. You are redeemed. You are mine."

Then the decision was made to go on the last mission trip. Steve from Amazon Outreach had talked with me about it. They had to change the date because of the visa issue, and that put several of the American team unable to go. And the ones that were going were new. Steve wanted a couple of experienced people to go with them, and he thought of me. That was God. I knew God was calling me, so I decided to go. When I made my decision, the only person I knew that was going on that trip was Steve.

But God.

Listen to this. Remember the things I listed that I had looked forward to on the GSFBC trip that God decided to take away? He is giving them back on this trip!

• Erica and Fabricio will be on this trip!

• Gabi will be on this trip!

• And they are intending to go to Maués!

Those were not factors in my decision because I found them out after I told Steve I would go. They were God's gifts of confirmation that I am doing what He wants. The only downside is that this will be my first trip without Adriana, but I will spend the next week with her in Manaus. God has been so patient with me and kind to me.

I know this series of blog posts started because I have cancer, but this can apply to anyone going through anything for whatever reason. The important thing is to recognize when you are under attack and have some things to ground yourself in reality and provide a direction for prayer. After all, prayer is just a conversation with God. Get real with Him. Get honest with Him. You are not telling Him anything He does not already know. What needs to happen is to humble yourself and have a real conversation with your Lord. And, yes, I am speaking from experience. Your experience may be different from mine, but your process is the same.

• Alcoholic? Ask yourself if that drink in your hand is worth more than the people in your life. If you have already lost people due to your drinking, ask yourself if that drink was worth it.

• Drug use - recreational or addiction? Ask yourself if that high is worth more than the people in your life. If you have already lost people due to your drug use, ask yourself if that high was worth it.

• Sexual sin? Ask yourself if that momentary excitement is worth your integrity.

• Holding a grudge? Ask yourself if being right at all costs is worth sacrificing the relationship. What would be the cost of reconciliation? Is it worth it?

• Feeling like you need to control everything? Ask yourself what fear is at the root of that and why you are trying to chase the attribute of sovereignty that belongs only to God. You cannot ever attain that. What is keeping you from trusting God to help you turn it over to Him and manage that fear? Is trying to take on God's characteristic and be in control of situations and people that you cannot possibly control worth it?

I'm not going to keep going simply because where would I stop? The bottom line that I have found is the question "Is it worth it?" Worth. What a concept. "Good or important enough to justify." How can you justify these things to God? We can't! We can never justify our sin, but we try so hard to. In trying to justify it to ourselves and others, we really are trying to convince God. I am trying to catch myself when I do that and simply repent. That's all God wants. He wants that fellowship with us restored. He is our Abba Father, our Papa God, but He also is Holy and Just. He can't just let it go. It is not His nature. That is why Jesus died for us, because sin could not be ignored. And, yes, trying to convince God why holding onto whatever it is we are holding onto is a sin, similar to the one committed in the Garden of Eden. We are trying to make ourselves LIKE GOD. We are not. Recognizing who He is helps us see who we are, and we are not God. Oh how I have had to learn that lesson lately because God has revealed so many ways I try to take on His role.

Yep, still stumbling but still walking. Thank God for that!

This is the link to my Public Profile with Amazon Outreach. I appreciate your prayers on this last trip that God will sustain and equip me to be used as His vessel and not my own.

https://ao.managedmissions.com/MyTrip/juliehoward3