Dust Ain't Strong, but God Is

"For God knows our frame and remembers we are dust" Psalm 103:14. How true that is for me right now, and I'm not even talking about the cancer. My brain is dust, too, just like the Scarecrow on the Wizard of Oz.

My PET scan and brain MRI are scheduled for Wednesday morning. While not knowing is tough, I fear what I will find out. Every test I've had has given me bad news. I'm anticipating the same from these.

Yes, I read Philippians 4. Yes, I know that to have the peace of God I need to think on things that are excellent and are of worthy of any praise. I've used this for decades when I would counsel people about managing anxious thoughts. I would tell them to start by counting their blessings, focusing on gratitude. However, I did caution them that sometimes those anxious thoughts are strong and spring back into your mind, and it becomes a test of endurance. So, yes, I start by focusing on my blessings, what I'm grateful for. Jadyn immediately comes to mind. Then I think I don't want to leave him. I don't want to die. I don't want this cancer to be everywhere. See? Dust.

Now before anyone says, "God won't put more on you than you can bear", let me stop you and in the kindest way I can manage tell you that you are dead wrong. "For we don't want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead" 2 Corinthians 1: 8-9. I'm not sure where or when that well-meant platitude started, but please let it stop now. Well intentioned or not, it is a lie, and it could damage someone's fellowship with God. How? Well, how about this? "If God really knows me and loves me, He would know I cannot bear this. So, either He doesn't know me, doesn't love me, or doesn't exist at all." It doesn't matter how well-intentioned you are. Satan will use religious sounding lies to try and destroy souls.

So, yes, God does allow us to be burdened beyond what we can bear. (He does not allow up to be tempted without a means to resist, but that's a different topic.) Why does He allow this? Because He knows our frame and remembers that we are dust! We may be burdened beyond what we can bear, but we never are burdened beyond what God can bear. And I will be completely honest, I'm beyond bearing with these two tests on Wednesday. My dust is scattered all over, blowing in the wind of fear and anxiety. I pray to God, but the fear is still with me.

And, yes, I know that my future is secure because my soul is whole. But that's just it! I don't want to die just yet! So please don't remind me of that either, because what I hear is, "Julie, you'll just have to die to feel better." Not helpful, but thanks for trying. Just please think through what you say next time. Remember, "Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent" Proverbs 17:28.

I know I am sounding harsh, and I do apologize for any hurt feelings. I have been encouraged to be real, especially when I am feeling weak and scared, and not to feel like I have to be so positive all the time. So, that's pretty much as real as it gets. Yes, I still crave the support and encouragement of all of you. If you don't know what to say, THAT IS FINE!!! A hug, a prayer, or just sitting beside me in silence is better,

Oh, how I am dreading Wednesday. Thank God (and my doc) for Valium...