I'm Not Sick; I Have Cancer

When I heard those words fall out of my mouth, my first thought was, "Are you insane?! Of course you are sick! YOU HAVE CANCER!" My second thought was, "I get it. You have cancer, but you feel great, better than you have in years. I totally understand."

I know that does sound crazy, but that literally was an automatic statement that I made. One thing I know about automatic statements--ones made without forethought or filter--is that there is truth in them. What could be the truth in that statement? The truth is that God has prepared me for this fight. As I've mentioned many times, I am in better shape than I have been in years. I feel fantastic. If I have to fight this battle with cancer, it's better to fight it now than just a few years ago.

I know it will get worse. I know I will feel worse. I'm neither a blind optimist nor a closed-minded pessimist. I am a realist. I try to see reality for what it is and not through the distorted filter how I think it "should" be. I also try my best not to allow one negative thing to ruin my perception of life as a whole. Right now, my one big negative thing is cancer, but my reality is I feel physically prepared to fight it.

Spiritually, I also am in such a better place than just a few years ago. While my relationship with God had never changed, my fellowship with Him certainly had. I wasn't even a CEO Christian (Christmas and Easter Only). Now, I am back with a loving church (Geyer Springs FBC) and participate in some wonderful ministries (choir, missions). Also, I found myself a part of a Sunday School Class/Small Group that I really wasn't even looking for but God knew I needed! I had never really thought about being in a SS class, thinking it just wasn't "my thing". And not all of them would be! But this one is different, and I am so very grateful to be a part of it.

Emotionally and mentally may be a different story. I do have states of anxiety and anger, but I have not felt hopeless. And I don't stay there. I feel it for however long I need to, then I move on. My head isn't completely ruling my heart, but it's close. That's not because of any denial; that's my personality. Yes, I know that is not always healthy, especially if it keeps me out of touch with my emotional side. I'm working on it.

Mentally, I have noticed some worries. Primarily, I worry about Jadyn. Secondarily, I worry that I will not be able to go to Brazil. Ironically, I have not noticed any worries about the surgery, recovery, or subsequent treatment. I have, however, had some anxious thoughts about what the PET scan will reveal when I do have that done. I don't dwell there. I don't claim it. I also don't judge myself. It is part of my reality. They are possibilities and nothing more. God knows what will happen, so I don't have to think and plan and act as if I can control anything. That is preposterous! I am praying for wisdom and discernment so I can make the best decisions when faced with them. I pray for strength to recover from the surgery so the next phase of treatment can begin. And, yes, I absolutely pray for Jadyn and hope that this will not stop me from going to Brazil in July.

Why all this talk about Brazil? I know some of you, if not most, are tired of hearing about it. You may be thinking, "Jules, why that particular week? You can go another week, so just stop worrying about it." You see, not every Amazon Outreach trip is the same. When I went with Fellowship Bentonville, we were with a different missionary and went to a different part of the Amazon River. This trip in July is different. We will be with the missionary we were with last year, Andre. We will be going back to the Satere nation. And, hopefully we will be stopping in Maués again where I hope to reunite with Joia.

Joia was a woman I met whose husband had died one month prior to our arrival. When she was introduced by their pastor and I heard that she was a recent widow, it was as if I heard God audibly tell me, "SHE is why you are here." With the help of my dear friend and interpreter, Erica, I listened to Joia. I heard her pain, her fears, her anxieties, her emptiness. I told her that I understood where she was because I was there a year ago. I told her that this was her time to mourn, but God did have a time for her to dance. I have been receiving updates on the progress of her house that is being built with funds raised by people contributing to this special project with Amazon Outreach. I see the Satere Mawe people volunteering their labors to help Joia have a home. I see God working so much.

I just want to see Joia dance...