I have not blogged in quite a while. It's not becase I had nothing to say or no desire to share my recent experiences. I just had no idea what to say or how to begin because life has happened so fast over the past 2 months. Wow...it doesn't even seem like it's been 2 months.
On Sept. 27, 2023, I flew to Brazil for the last mission trip of the year with Amazon Outreach and to spend a week with friends. It was a great trip! My friends even had a party to celebrate my birthday! It was fabulous!
On the mission trip, Steve Trammel, Executive Director of Amazon Outreach, asked me to be an AO Rep next year. I immediately said yes! Then I thought about cancer and chemo, but soon realized that God had orchestrated that, already knew what I would be facing, and still made a way. God is bigger than cancer and chemo anyway. His calling for me to serve the people of the Amazon River villages seemed so clear. I could go more often and not even have to pay for it! This was the closest to full time international mission work that I could do for now. His calling was so clear.
Then life happened...again...
Before I went to Brazil, my right big toe had an infection. I took an antibiotic and finished it on the mission trip. I returned to the US on Oct 15th and started chemo on Oct 16th. On the 18th, I noticed that what I thought was a plantar's wart was oozing. I went to the doctor on the 19th, had it debrieded, got an antibiotic injection, and started an oral antibiotic. On the 20th, I drove to Eureka Springs to Turpentine Creek Wildife Refuge for my first Board of Directors meeting on the 21st. When I returned to my lodge from my meeting, my foot was really hurting. I removed the bandage and saw that my right pinky toe was gray (not a good sign) and my foot around my toe was red. I packed up and started my drive to Little Rock to the emergency room at CHI. Yes, driving hurt. Jadyn had a friend ride with him, and he met me halfway so he could drive me the rest of the way to the ER.
I got to the ER where they already had been informed by my doc that I was coming. I was admitted and began antibiotics. My foot just kept getting worse. If the morphine was working, then I would hate to know the pain I would have felt because this pain was agony. The infection was spreading fast. I woke up about 2:30 am the morning of Wed, Oct 25, and I had no idea where I was. The room did not look familiar. I could not see Jadyn because he was asleep behind me to my left. I truly was not oriented to place or time. I was frightened. I started looking around my room and saw 2 doors. I wondered if one led outside so I could escape wherever this unfamiliar place was. Then I felt the pain. I thought, "Pain is real. Focus on the pain." I focused on the pain and realized it was in my foot. Then I remembered everything and knew where I was. I was in the hospital, but I also was in one of the darkest places I have ever been in my life. I prayed, "God, let me see 3:00 am." Then "God, let me see 4:00 am." I literally was praying to get through the next hour. At this point, I did not care if I woke up from surgery or not. I was tired and in so much pain. I truly did not care if I lived or died. I did not know what God wanted for my life. I prayed, "If I wake up from the surgery, then I know You want me to live. We will start there."
I had my toe amputated on Oct 25 and the infection cleaned out of my foot. On Sunday, I was sent home with Home Health, a walker, and 6 weeks of IV and oral antibiotics.
The reason for my thumbnail picture is not that I want to go to the beach. I actually prefer the mountains. The picture depicts what my experience has been. You know when you're swimming in the ocean and you head back to the beach, but then you hit that sweet spot where the waves break? You stand up only to get knocked right back down by another wave. That is how I have felt. I stand up, thinking that I can make it to the beach, only to be knocked down by another wave.
I have had many conversations with God. I have tried not to ask "Why?" but "What are You trying to teach me? What am I supposed to learn?" I have thought so much about my calling to the Amazon. God is not the author of confusion; rather, the Holy Spirit brings order from chaos. So I knew this whole toe thing was not God telling me not to go to the Amazon because everything else--including being asked to be an AO Rep--was so clearly from God. At this point, I did ask God why. Why was I experiencing all of this? I'm not Jonah trying to run away from God's calling. I want to go. I am willing to go. I am excited to go. So why is this happening? All of this adversity may be from the enemy trying to get me not to go. That tells me that God has something special planned.
I still don't have all the answers, but one thing God is teaching me is to receive help from and rely on people. So many have volunteered their time and money to sit with me, bring me meals, etc. I am so grateful and unbelievably blessed! For one of the rare times in my life, words fail me.
Do I have a clear answer about the Amazon? Not yet, but I am scheduled to go in March.
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