Struggling...

This is the t-shirt I bought when I was on the boat in March. The green shape in place of the "O" is Amazonas, the largest Brazilian state. Amazonas is home to Manaus, a city that has my heart for numerous reasons. It is where we get on the boat to go to the villages on the Amazon River. It is home to such dear friends: Adriana and her family; Erica and Fabricio; Alesandra; Djanira; Iolanda; all people I have grown to love so very much, as if they were family and not friends.

I know many of you may be rolling your eyes and thinking, "Not this again." I totally understand. You don't have to read this. After all, this blog is my way of processing, and I need to process this.

I am struggling with having hope that I can go on the mission trip in July. I cannot express how much this hurts me. I know there are other trips, but that's just it. There is something about this specific trip. I have looked forward to this trip with my church family since last July's trip. I have been collecting supplies and preparing for this trip since last July. My Brazilian friends will be on this trip. I go on this trip with my son. This specific trip is so very precious to me, and I fear I feel it slipping away.

In our mission meeting on April 16, Adam told us to prepare because the spiritual warfare would be intense because satan does not want this team going to the Amazon. I do not want to lose this spiritual battle.

I know I have to do what is best for me, but that's just it. Best for me in what way? I am battling cancer, so are we talking just best for me physically? What about spiritually and emotionally? I'm telling you, it will break my spirit if I don't get to go. How would that affect my fight against cancer?

I also am struggling trying to understand God. A bit of background. We always laughed (after the fact) that anytime I had planned or was looking forward to something like a trip, something would always happen to threaten it. Usually, it had something to do with Dave. Well, Dave is gone now, but still when I look forward to something, it is threatened to be taken away. It's like I'm supposed to be completely stoic. I don't get it. And not only is this trip threatened, the one in October is as well. Starting Oct 1, I will need a Visa to go to Brazil. I've applied. I'm even willing to fly to Houston and hand-deliver the money order which is what is required at this moment. I've tried to talk to someone at the consulate, but all I get is an email basically saying that they don't know what's going on either. I leave October 6. Not much time for a learning curve. So, yeah, if I look forward to something, I just need to be prepared to lose it.

Back to my struggle with understanding God. What is He trying to teach me in all of this? I am willing to go do mission work. I am desperately wanting to go. Why take that away? I know God doesn't need me. He doesn't need me to be his hands, voice, ears, hugs, or anything else. Still, why take it away? What is He trying to teach me? Why allow satan to win this particular battle?

Yes, I know God is sovereign, and at the end of it all, that is what I have to trust. And I do. I also know trusting and believing that God is sovereign has brought some of the most painful experiences of my life. I know I am not alone, but this is my blog and I'll pity party if I want to. I really want to share this testimony of everything God has done for me.

I am called to love Amazonas and its people. I just want to love them in July...