Tapped Out but Not Finished

A few Sundays ago, my good friend and director of the media ministry at Geyer Springs FBC, Billy Cannon, told me that they want to video my testimony. When I asked what specifically, he said, "Pretty much 2021 to present, what all you've been through, and how it has impacted your mission work." I've spent some time working on this because it is God's testimony, not mine. It is the testimony of the work God has done in my life because the testimony of what I have done in my life is a total mess. That's why I have this blog, to share the details of the messes and struggles and complete screwups that I have had and how God is bigger than my mess-ups.

I have not blogged much because this has been a very hard time for me. Holidays already were hard since Dave died, but these were particularly hard because of everything I was facing physically, so his absence in my life has been more profoundly felt. Friday, February 2, 2024, will be the 3-year anniversary of his death, and this one is tough.

Yes, I know God is sovereign. Yes, I know God has a plan. Yes, I am trusting Him completely. I know God will deliver me through this, but it doesn't make going through it any easier. We are emotional beings, and even though at times like this I would much rather be Vulcan, I am human. In times when I am feeling my absolute lowest, I hear the voice of the deceiver--the father of lies-- telling me that my faith is weak, that I am a terrible image-bearer, and that I am failing in every aspect of life. And when I do mess up and treat someone in a harsh way, the enemy goes into overdrive telling me that I should just retreat from all of humanity because I am a total and complete failure as a friend and as a child of God.

But God...

A quick glance through His Word tells me things like this:

• "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest." Psalm 22:1-2

• "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble and forgive all my sins." Psalm 25: 16-18

• "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Yes, these verses tell me that God forgives and that He saves, but they also tell me something that I desperately need to hear. It is ok to feel forsaken. It is ok to groan. It is ok to feel lonely. It is ok to feel tired, finding no rest in sleep. It is ok to have troubles of my heart. It is ok to feel distressed. It is ok to feel afflicted. It is ok to feel brokenhearted. It is ok to feel crushed in spirit. All of those things are ok. Not ok in an approval sort of way or in a God sent those things to me sort of way. But ok because I am a fallen, broken, human being, and God knows that I feel this way. He has not forgotten me. He is not punishing me. His is carrying me.

I know one thing I really miss about Dave not being with me. When the stresses of life were increasing and crashing down upon me, I could come home and scream at the world, and Dave would hear my scream. Sometimes he would fight back because I would be yelling AT him, usually picking some minor mistake that he made and blowing it completely out of proportion because even though he was not responsible for all it, the pent-up emotional energy was blowing out of that one small opening of his relatively minor indiscretion. And we could get into some doozies of a fight, let me tell ya! But when the dust settled and emotions were back in check, the reconciliation was so sweet. The understanding that was expressed and the heart-to-heart communication of shared stressors and feelings of inadequacy in the face of those stressors were some of the most productive conversations for the relationship that we had. Our lives were not built on sharing the superficial platitudes that people often speak to avoid the nitty gritty truth of life so they can preserve an illusion of all is well. Quite the contrary! Our relationship was built on the truths that life is hard, we mess up big time, we hurt and express those vulnerabilities through anger, but that in the end, God is sovereign, and he is bigger than our fights. Dave and I understood that we both were absolutely pathetic at saying, "I am really struggling, and I need you to listen to me." Nope! We were masters at communicating pain through anger and blame, regretting it terribly, then getting to the truth. Oh, how I miss that he is not here to listen to my screams at the world.

Yes, I have people who do listen. I have some friends who have sat with me through all of that, been steadfast, waited until the anger subsided, held me, and prayed with me. Even though I have been friends with some for more than 40 years, those friendships have been strengthened because I have been more vulnerable with them, and they have been more forgiving and understanding of me. I haven't wanted to do that with them, but it happened anyway because Dave is not here to fill that role. Granted, they do not live with me, so they do not get the brunt that he did, but they get some of it. Even in a tempered form, it can be brutal. I can be brutal.

Sadly, this has happened with a few friends whose friendships I fear have been damaged beyond repair. While I pray for reconciliation, I know that it is not up to me. So, I wait, trying to be patient and prayerful, but also preparing for what life may be like without them as a friend. I know the friendships can rise like a phoenix from the flame, or the friendships can blow away like ashes in the wind. Life will go on, and I will either be able to rejoice in reconciliation or grieve the loss.

As for my journey that started off this round of blog posts, I am praising God that my brain MRI and CT of abdomen in December showed no evidence of disease, and my tumor marker in January was normal! My foot is healing, slowly but surely, and this past week it actually hasn't been slowly at all. I am hopeful that this foot will be healed and that all of this soon will be a memory rather than an ongoing life experience. I have been off of chemo since October 18 so my foot could heal. That has been nice in a few ways such as drinking cold drinks and my hair beginning to grow back. I will start back chemo next week, and I will have many more cycles ahead of me since my cancer was Stage 4. So, while I am facing life's stresses mentally and emotionally exhausted and relationally uncertain, I also know that I will be physically compromised. And with this being the anniversary of Dave's death, I am reminded that I am facing all of this without him, and this grief just adds to the already mentally and emotionally exhausted state that I am in.

But God...

What is my lesson in all of this? While I know that God is sovereign and that He will deliver me through this, it is ok for me to be not ok. And I am not ok...