You've Gone into My Future to Prepare the Way...

"Lord, you know everything there is to know about me.

"You perceive every movement of my heart and soul, and you understand my every thought before it even enters my mind.

"You are so intimately aware of me, Lord.

"You read my heart like an open book and you know all the words I'm about to speak before I even start a sentence!

"You know every step I will take before my journey even begins.

"You've gone into my future to prepare the way, and in kindness you follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past.

"You have laid your hand on me.

"This is just too wonderful, deep, and incomprehensible!

"Your understanding of me brings me wonder and strength.

"Where could I go from your spirit?

"If I go up to heaven, you're there!

"If I go down to the realm of the dead, you're there too!

"If I fly with wings into the shining dawn, you're there!

"If I fly into the radiant sunset, you're there waiting!

"Wherever I go, your hand will guide me; your strength will empower me.

"It's impossible to disappear from you or to ask the darkness to hide me, for your presence is everywhere, bringing light into my night.

"There is no such thing as darkness with you.

"The night, to you, is as bright as the day; there's no difference between the two.

"You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and wove them all together in my mother's womb.

"I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex!

"Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking.

"It simply amazes me to think about it!

"How thoroughly you know me, Lord!

"You even formed every bone in my body when you created me in the secret place; carefully, skillfully you shaped me from nothing to something.

"You saw who you created me to before I became me!

"Before I'd ever seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book.

"Every single moment you are thinking of me!

"How precious and wonderful to consider that you cherish me constantly in your every thought!

"O God, your desires toward me are more than the grains of sand on every shore!

"When I awake each morning, you're still with me.

"O God, come and slay these bloodthirsty, murderous men!

"For I cry out, "Depart from me, you wicked ones!"

"See how they blaspheme your sacred name and lift up themselves against you, but all

in vain!

"Lord, can't you see how I despise those who despise you?

"For I grieve when I see them rise up against you.

"I have nothing but complete hatred and disgust for them.

"Your enemies shall be my enemies!

"God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart.

"Examine me through and through;

"Find out everything that may be hidden within me.

"Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares.

"See if there is any path of pain I'm walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting way--

"The path that brings me back to you."

~Psalm 139, The Passion Translation

I had to include this entire psalm because it is my prayer. Even the part about the bloodthirsty, murderous men. Even with all of the exaltation, David's heart turns toward his enemies, and his anger--albeit righteous anger--is kindled. I get that, because my bloodthirsty murderous men right now is a cancer that has spread to my liver and 4 out of 14 lymph nodes. I won't know if it has spread any farther until the PET CT and Bone Scans. I pray it hasn't and that it is contained, but if not, God will provide.

I want to cry out "Get out of my body! Leave me!" I see this cancer as rising against God because it is threatening my going to Brazil. But God doesn't need me in Brazil. He's already there. He doesn't need my voice or my ears or my hands. He has other healthier vessels than I that He can use. That's why it is in vain. Satan may have used cancer to attack me, but I'm nothing. But God! He is who they need. I simply wanted to join where He was working.

Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. Boy! Did that hit the proverbial nail on the head! But there is a reason. "See if there is any path of pain I'm walking on, and lead me back to your glorious, everlasting way--the path that brings me back to you." Oh Amen, and again may I say, Amen. Whether the path of pain be of pride or of the unwillingness to make God the Lord of my relationships, please, God, lead me back to your glorious way.

I am not walking this path alone. God walks with me. Not only that, He has already been to my future to prepare the way, and He follows behind me to protect me of the harms of my past. So, I do not fear, but I do feel disappointed. But I'm still praying about that, too.